Freddy Got Fingered
(Following the Channel Awesome logo, we open on the words "Nostalgia Critic Presents", channeling ''No Country For Old Men)'' NC (vo): (low voice, almost mumbling, a la Anton Chigurh) I was reviewing movies when I was 25 years old. (A montage of shots of NC's surrounding neighborhood is shown, with morning light breaking) NC (vo): Hard to believe. Some of the old critics never even wore a gun. A lot of folks that were YouTube comments find that hard to believe. I always like to hear about the old critics. Never miss a chance to do so. Can't help but compare yourself to the old critics. Can't help but wonder how they'd operate in these times with these films. There's this movie. Papers say it was a film of passion, but the director said there wasn't any passion to it. Not in the sense that we think: a passion for something good. He wanted it to be bad, a new kind of bad we've never witnessed. And I don't know what to make of that. (Now the montage arrives at the front door of NC's studio) NC (vo): I surely don't. It's not that I'm afraid of it. (Cut to inside of the studio, where NC is seen seated and staring at something in his hands: a copy of the DVD release of ''Freddy Got Fingered)'' NC (vo): But I don't want to push my chips forward and go and confront something I don't understand. (In front of him, Jim is talking on the phone) Jim: Yeah, he's here. I don't know why he didn't answer any of our calls. He's just been sitting here, looking at a movie. (NC gets up from his seat and walks up behind Jim) All right, I'll see you guys when I get the shoot. (Jim hangs up. The next thing he knows, NC has put the ''Freddy Got Fingered DVD in front of Jim's neck and pushes it hard against his throat, trying to strangle him with it. In struggling to break free, Jim falls down, while NC, still holding the DVD to Jim's throat, gnashes his teeth. Then NC walks out of the studio, taking the DVD with him. Outside, Rob is sitting in his car and sees NC walking up to him)'' Rob: Critic, are you okay? NC: Step out of the car, please. Rob: (seeing DVD in NC's hand) What's that? NC: (smiling) I need you to step out of the car. (Rob rolls his eyes and then gets out of his car. He faces NC, who smiles at him) Rob: (trying to look at DVD) What is that for? NC: Hold still. (holds up index finger to Rob) Please. (Rob stares, then turns to the side briefly. NC then blows in Rob's direction, and a bullet somehow blasts through Rob's forehead, spurting blood everywhere. Rob's eyes roll up and he falls over, dead. Later, NC drives down the road to a video rental store. In here, next to a VHS of ''The Wizard, there is a stand with Pennywise that says "They All Float When You Don't REWIND!")'' Clerk (Walter): Welcome to Fam Video. We don't know how we're still around either. (NC, frowning heavily, walks up to the clerk and examines his name tag: Freddy) Freddy: Oh, returning a movie? How was it? NC: (low voice, almost mumbling) What business is it of yours how the movie was... Freddo? Freddy: I didn't mean nothing by it. NC: (mockingly) "Didn't mean noth..." Freddy: Will there be something else? NC: I don't know, will there? Freddy: Is something wrong? NC: Is that what you're asking me? Something's wrong? What if I saw a comedy so bad it changes your perception of bad altogether... You think you've seen every type of shitty humor, gross-out humor, anti-humor... Epic Movie. But then one comes along that is not only bad on purpose, but it elevates bad to a new level you didn't even know existed. A level that embraces misery to a point that you have to laugh. So, I guess it's working, 'cause it makes you laugh. But it only makes you laugh because the only other alternative is to cry. You laugh... because you have no choice. You laugh... because it's destroying you. Freddy: What kind of film could do that? (NC sighs, then places the DVD disc face-down on the counter) NC: Call it. Freddy: Call what? NC: Just call it. Freddy: You want me to call what the movie is? NC: Think of the only film that can be impressively bad, yet leaves no joy. Can get a laugh, even though it's not funny. Can expand someone to a new level of awful he wants to escape, yet is constantly drawn in by. What type of bad creates a world so painful that you stay in it, because it's so fascinating? Freddy: Oh, that's Freddy Got Fingered. (NC turns the DVD over to show the movie title to Freddy) NC: Well done. Freddy: Okay, then, I'll just put this back on the shelf. NC: Oh, don't put it on the shelf. Freddy: Where am I supposed to put it? NC: Anywhere, but not on the shelf. Or else it gets mixed in with the others and just becomes another movie. (they stare briefly) Which it is. (NC then leaves, and Freddy suddenly notices a grenade on the table) Freddy: (picking up grenade) Oh, hey, you forgot your grenade! (NC doesn't answer, and Freddy becomes aware of what's going on) He didn't forget this, did h– (The grenade explodes, killing Freddy and blowing up the video store, which NC has long since left, as the explosion happens behind him; cut to the title card "Freddy Got Fingered", then cut to NC, sitting in a corner of his house, hanging his head. He looks up into the camera) NC: Tom Green. (Footage featuring the Canadian comedian Tom Green is shown) NC (vo): (voice slowly becoming normal again, but still low right now) In the early 2000s, he became very popular for his unique brand of anti-humor. Some called him an attention-desperate whore, while others called him... NC: ...Everybody called him an attention-desperate whore, but his fans didn't seem to care. NC (vo): Partaking in shocking stunts most normal people wouldn't do like sucking a cow's teat, humping a dead moose or marrying Drew Barrymore only got him more popularity. To his credit, there were occasional funny bits like following pizza delivery boys to offer the same pizza for cheaper, demonstrating how to camouflage yourself by blending into the audience, this was a guy who had some comprehension of comedy. But his favorite brand of humor was just being shockingly odd: putting things in his mouth...eh, um...things in his mouth, and...yeah, it was very mouth-based. After he starred in a hit film, (The poster for the 2000 movie ''Road Trip is shown) 20th Century Fox gave him a movie to write, direct and star in with very little interference. The only thing they seemed to put their foot down is that it couldn't be NC-17. '''NC:' In that, "we'll still shoot an NC-17 film, we'll just have to bribe the MPAA more than usual to not have it be rated NC-17". (The title for the movie ''Freddy Got Fingered is shown, followed by its clips)'' NC (vo): It was destroyed by critics, failed at the box office and won several Razzie Awards, of which Tom Green accepted the awards, even bringing his own red carpet. (The clip of Green's interview to the reporters after a 2001 Razzie Award ceremony is shown briefly) Tom Green: From day one, when we started writing it, said, uh, "We wanted to win a Raspberry Award", so... So, uh, it's...I'm glad my dream has come true. NC (vo): Whatever you thought of this guy, he had a plan, and he achieved it. NC: (shrugs) Whatever it was. NC (vo): The film, over the years, has been getting a cult following of people saying it's a unique kind of bad, one never truly seen at cinema. A "so bad, it's bad; and that bad is so bad, it's bad; and that bad is so bad, it's bad; and that bad is so bad, it's good; and that good is so bad, it's bad". Was there actual clever thought put into how purposefully terrible this was? Did it reach a new level of awful that you can actually admire the technique of it? NC: "Admire" (sighs) is a bad word to use, but I can think of no other in my current state of Shitholm Syndrome. Let's take a deeper look with Freddy Got Fingered. (The movie starts. Note: throughout most of the review, NC sounds very disinterested. In Portland, Oregon, we see a cartoonist named Gordon Brody, played by Green, on his bed, looking at his drawing of a superhero cat shooting lasers from his eyes through a tree and into a robber's direction) Gord: X-Ray Cat. (imitates gunshots) "You can't get me, you can't get me!" NC (vo): We get a glance at what John Kricfalusi now does with his time, as we see our main character named Gord, played by Canada's punishment, leaves his home during the credits to do some 90s-ing. (Having left his house, Gord skateboards in a shopping mall, causing passengers to crash into each other, as the song "Problems" by Sex Pistols plays. At some points, the frame freezes and even zooms in) NC: I think the editor was drunk because, you know, he's doing Freddy Got Fingered, but he left in... NC (vo): ...these weird freeze frames because, you know, he's doing Freddy Got Fingered. Who cares? This whole intro shows that Tom Green can skateboard, reinforcing the rumor that he is, in fact, good at something. I call it fake news. (Gord rides outside the mall to talk to his parents, Jim and Julie, and his younger brother, Freddy) Julie: Gordy, honey! NC (vo): He meets up with his parents, played by Rip Torn and Julie Hagerty, who are really wishing right now they had anyone's career that wasn't Rip Torn or Julie Hagerty. Jim: I believe in my son. You be a good man. NC (vo): Gord says he's going to Hollywood to become a famous animator like Charles Schultz... Gord: I'm gonna be a famous animator like Charles Schultz. NC (vo): ...who was a comic strip artist, not an animator. NC: I'm not implying you don't know this, I'm implying Tom Green doesn't know this. NC (vo): And we see this dialogue is so repetitive, it's borderline funny. In fact, you can measure the amount of laughter it almost gets by how many times they say the word "proud". Jim: You make your daddy proud. You hear me? Gord: I'm gonna make you proud, Daddy. (The line that shows the color going from red to yellow fades into the scene. Four captions are written above: "This Sucks", "GOD This Sucks", "STOP SUCKING, YOU SUCK!!!" and "Slight Giggle". The smiley face with an unsure expression slowly goes from the beginning of the line to the end of it as the scene continues) Gord: I'm gonna make you so proud. (gets in a convertible named "LeBaron") Jim: You make your daddy proud. (NC is shown also looking unsure) Gord: You're gonna be so proud. Jim: Proud? Gord: Proud. (starts up the car and sees a pedestrian running on his way) ''Get the fuck outta the way! ''(as he honks, the smiley face quickly goes back to where the line starts) NC: Yep. See? That was close. But then it...continued to exist. (Driving to Los Angeles, Gord sees a stud farm. The camera goes to a close-up of a horse's penis (it is censored by a bar with a caption "Get Used to These Censor Bars") and gets excited. He stops...to try and milk the horse) NC (vo): On his way there, he sees a horse dick, screams, pulls over and jerks it off. NC: Life has given me that sentence to report to you. (Gord touches the horse's penis, which is again covered by a bar that now says "Get REALLY Used to Them") Gord: Oh, this is fun! Look at me, Daddy! I'm a farmer! NC (vo): There's no reason for why he pulled over, screamed and touched that horse, and it never comes back into the movie again. NC: I've never been so happy to have a scene not explained to me. (We are shown the place where the place of Gord's dream job is located: Radioactive Animation Studio) NC (vo): He makes it to Radioactive Animation, or, as the rest of the world calls it, Sony Studios, (The posters for ''Surf's Up, The Emoji Movie and Open Season and the shot from Smurfs: The Lost Village are shown) but he first gets a job at a cheese sandwich factory, where he does this. ''(As the song "I've Gotta Be Me" by Sammy Davis Jr. plays, Gord, after entering the Hollywood Cheese Factory, stands up on a moving conveyor belt, grabs a big sausage and puts it behind his legs. The female workers pay no attention to this) Gord: I'm a sexy boy! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! (One worker slowly bends her head aside to make way for Gord's...ahem...sausage) NC: How would you like to put that on your resume? "I was the woman..." NC (vo): "...who got slapped by Tom Green's salami dick". NC: You deserve an Oscar just for being near him. (Gord goes into the studio to have a meeting with its CEO, Dave Davidson. The latter's receptionist, played by Drew Barrymore, asks Gord why he needs to talk to Davidson) NC (vo): He sneaks into the studio where a secretary, played by Drew Barrymore, talks to him, which is impressive, because the film is now presenting four to five failed career choices in one continuous shot. You're just suddenly reminded of all the wrong things these two actors did in their lifetimes. Gord: His wife is dead. Receptionist: What? NC (vo): He tells Cousin Itt (The bowler hat is Photoshopped into the receptionist's head) that he's there to tell one of the head honchos that his wife is dead. As well as inform them that the color corrector has died, seeing how these two shots clearly don't match up. (Two shots of the receptionist, one darker, another brighter, are shown back-to-back) I guess you could argue this brightness contrast and green tint is part of the purposefully bad filmmaking, even though it doesn't happen anywhere else in the film. NC: But I like to think they're in the Matrix... (The image of Morpheus appears in the scene) NC (vo): ...and Morpheus is going to erase the glitch that is Tom Green. (as Morpheus) What if I told you you're annoying as balls? Gord: Could I be your boyfriend? Receptionist: (pushes Gord back angrily) Get outta here! Gord: No... Receptionist: Fuck! Off! You're a skinny loser! NC: (smiling) He-hey. I think this is how they divorced. (The receptionist roars at Gord) NC: Definitely how they divorced. (Wearing a police officer's uniform, Gord enters the restaurant where Davidson is) NC (vo): He finds the head of the studio, played by Anthony Michael Hall, who's slowly realizing Weird Science might be the most normal thing he's ever been in. Gord: (panting) My name's Gord, and I want to meet you to show you my drawings. Davidson: Your drawings, yes? NC: To make things stranger, I swear there's a heavier version... (The green arrow points at the customer in the background, who is very similar to Davidson and has exactly the same haircut and costume, minus the shirt) NC (vo): ...of Hall sitting directly behind him. It's like a yin and yang of The Breakfast Club, even down to wearing the exact same suit, but with black and white shirts; which is also ironic because you both look like you're auditioning for (poster of...) Cobra Kai. NC: I'm not saying this film is dumb enough to do that, I'm saying this film is not smart enough to be that dumb. (Gord and Davidson walk outside) Davidson: Okay, so let me get this right. You wanna just barge into a restaurant dressed like a fucking English bobby and expect someone to give you a TV show? NC: (as Gord) Why not? It's how I got this movie. NC (vo): Paul tells him that while the drawings are good, nothing funny is happening and he needs to flesh out the characters more to make something of worth. (The later scene of Gord returning home is shown for a moment) This is literally before he goes back home and we find out more about the characters that are going to be in most of the movie. Davidson: What you need here is elevation, okay? There actually has to be something that happens that's actually funny. NC: (massaging his forehead, inhales) I hate to say it, but that can't be a coincidence. That must have taken... (gets slightly twitchy) ...thought. (The devastated Gord tries to kill himself by putting the gun into a mouth, and Davidson calms him down) Davidson: I'm trying to give you a piece of advice! You've gotta figure these animals out. You've gotta figure them out. You gotta get inside the animals. Gord: (pulls the gun down) I gotta get inside the animals? Davidson: Get inside the animals. NC: Well, dicks, I wonder where this is going. (To a song "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" by The New Seekers, Gord...kills a deer, starts wearing its skin and yells like a deer, running around. NC is poker-faced, as for a good chunk of his time watching the movie) NC: Yeah. NC (vo): I'll give it this: it could be funny if he's approached by Nicolas Cage in a bear suit who punches him to the ground. NC: We all know Cage will do anything. (shows two fingers) He'll probably do it twice. (Gord wanders to a highway, not seeing where he's going, and is hit by a truck) NC (vo): After dressing up in a deer's dead skin, he's hit by a truck that, quite frankly, I want to see again. (The moment of the truck hitting Gord is shown again) NC: Why couldn't the editor choose to freeze that scene? (This moment is shown once again, with frame of Gord lying on the road freezing) NC: One more time. (The scene is replayed once more, and NC inhales through his nose in a little joy. We cut to the saddened Gord returning to his house and reuniting with his parents and his friend Darren, played by Harland Williams) NC (vo): So he goes back home, the animation plot doesn't really come back except for a few minutes at the end, and most of the movie is just him with his family. I'd say, "How random", but it weirdly enough feels very planned out. In fact, in another bizarre twist, his best friend is played by Harland Williams. This is one of the most surreal, zaniest stand-ups you could imagine. When you want things to get weird, you always have him show up. (The 2007 clip from ''Late Night with Conan O'Brien is shown, showing Williams as Conan's guest)'' Williams: (imitates a leprechaun) Shiver me timbers, schlork de dork, florkity dork. (The audience laughs. Cut to a clip of another NBC show, the short-lived improvisation show ''Thank God You're Here, which features Williams playing an explorer returning to a British museum with his latest find)'' Williams: (as the explorer) I see you move the sideburn from your buttcheeks up to the side of your face. (The audience's laughter is heard. Now cut to a clip from ''RocketMan ''(1997), where Williams' character, Fred Randall, squeals like a girl, totally overjoyed after hearing the announcement he's going to fly to Mars) NC: Yeah. He cast him as the straight man. (Back to the movie) NC (vo): The common sense guy who tries to be reasonable to Green's crazy antics. (As Gord is skateboarding on his wooden half-pipe outside the house at night, Darren sits on one side of the ramp) Darren: Don't you think it's kinda dark, Gord? / It's late. You're gonna wake up your parents. / Gotta work tomorrow, you know. NC: You see, this is more than just (shows a middle finger) one giant... (A picture of a human hand flipping the bird is shown) NC (vo): ...middle finger. This is a giant middle finger made up of (The picture zooms in to show multiple middle fingers) tiny little middle fingers that compose the entire thing. NC: It's a middle finger on so many levels. (All of a sudden, Jim sticks out the window and yells indistinctly to Gord to stop making noise) NC (vo): I do hope it upholds Rip Torn's contract of any time he's in a movie, he has to scream gibberish. (Jim lets out a loud and long scream, forcing the neighbors to go inside the house) NC: Well, I think the live-action Lion King ''found their first note for "Circle of Life". ''(The famous opening of ''The Lion King that features the sun rising is shown, but with Jim's long scream added instead of "Nants Ingonyama")'' NC: It will evoke tears. (Gord persuades Darren to skateboard as well, but the latter falls from the ramp, hurting his leg) NC (vo): Look. His friend hurt his leg. We need an idiot to put his tongue on it. NC: Tom, do you know of anyone... (Gord gleefully licks on Darren's wound. And, good grief, it is uncensored!) NC (vo): ...that could help- NC: (frozen smile) Cameras were turned on for this. (The next day, Gord goes to a hospital to visit Darren, but not before meeting a nurse named Betty (Marisa Coughlan), who is a disabled person on a wheelchair and is doing tricks with a thimble) NC (vo): He visits his friend in the hospital, where we come across the only consistently funny character, Betty, played by Marisa Coughlan. Gord: Are hospitals always this fun? Betty: No. Sometimes...sometimes people...um, who knows...people here die of cancer. (smiles as Gord stares awkwardly at her) NC: ...Okay. So it is possible to make Tom Green's writing funny. Good to know. Betty: (shakes Gord's hand, chuckling) Hi, I'm Betty. NC: (as Gord) And I'm...the two kids... (Vincent Adultman from ''BoJack Horseman, who is obviously three kids wearing a long trenchcoat and standing on each other, is shown)'' NC (vo; as Gord): ...from BoJack pretending to be an adult. NC: (as Gord) Surprisingly, I've made a good career out of it. (Gord enters a ward to talk with Darren, but notices a pregnant woman on the bed next to Darren, who is having labor pains) NC (vo): He hits it off with her, and they schedule a date, as he visits his friend who's next to a woman giving birth. NC: Oh, the possibilities are... one. Gord: (puts on a medical gown) Oh, it's okay, I'm a doctor. Pregnant Woman: No! (Two middle-aged women nearby hit their tamborines and chant as Gord attempts to take birth) Gord: I got you. I got you. I got her. I got her. I got her. I got her. I got- (Gord pulls the child out, and the navel-cord is censored by a bar saying "Back Again". NC sits there, expressionless, and just lets his hand rest on the cheek) Gord: I'll wake up your baby! (twirls the child around the ward, with the cord still intact (it is covered by "Sigh"), and a blood spills everywhere) Wakey-wakey! Wakey-wakey! Wakey-wakey! NC: Did you know the original title for this was "The Audience Got Fisted"? (Some more bits of this scene are shown (because, God, we did need it to be shown it its fullest). Gord bites into a child's cord with his teeth, which is censored TWICE by "Ha Ha, I Guess" and "Enjoy Your Food Tonight") NC (vo): After biting the umbilical cord with his teeth, because, at this point, I'd be shocked if he didn't do that, he swings the baby around to wake it up, and quite literally, with no segue, it's an emotional moment. NC: I mean it. No segue. Watch. Gord: (as the child wakes up, crying) The baby's crying! (And to a calm piano music, Gord carefully hands the child to her mother) NC (vo): It's actually so jarring how much these two don't go together and how much it has nothing to do with anything in the film, I... NC: ...thought about laughing. (Beat) And then I whipped myself. Whipping myself felt better. (Cut to Gord at Betty's house) NC (vo): Speaking of which, Gord goes to Betty's place where he discovers she gets incredibly turned on when she's hit with a bamboo stick. (True to what NC was saying, Gord repeatedly hits Betty's legs with a stick, arousing her) Betty: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Gord: Did you like the tingle?! Betty: Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh! NC: To the one person whose fetish is finally being lived out, congratulations. To the rest of us, what the shit is going on?? (Cut to the start of the scene) NC (vo): He also discovers that she wants to be a rocket scientist so she can have a rocket power her chair. Gord: I mean, you tried to make the rocket wheelchair work, but it doesn't work. That must make you feel like a stupid dummy, right? NC: Oh, don't try to be charming now, Tom Green. You're so naturally likeable. (Cut back to Gord hitting Betty's legs and accidentally smacking her in the face in the process) NC (vo): He accidentally hits her in the face, though, which means he's earned a blow job. Betty: I'm gonna give you a blow job. (smacks her lips, smiling) NC: I think this is how most Tom Green fans think dating works. (Betty pulls up Gord's shirt to discover he has a navel-cord attached to his bellybutton...for no reason whatsoever) NC (vo): She discovers, though, that he still has his umbilical cord. Gord: It's taped. It's just for fun. I taped it there for fun. (NC sits in silence) NC: I can't think of any possible way to make that funny, so I'm just gonna continue with the story I started before. (NC hears a door creaking, and it's Malcolm, dressed like Llewellyn Moss, going down the ground floor) Malcolm: Hey, Critic, are you here? You weren't at the studio. Are we still shooting today? (looks around the basement) Hell, I've got my costume on and everything. (Malcolm goes up the stairs, but stops upon hearing NC, who has walked behind his back, clicking a shotgun) NC: Hello, Malcolm. Let's go to my room. (Malcolm and NC sit in two chairs and look at each other) Malcolm: You don't have to do this. I could just go home. NC: (mumbling like Anton Chigurh again) ''Let me ask you this. If a film is meant to be so bad that nobody would like it, then what is the purpose of the film if people like it? Is it a failure if it's hated by everyone, or a failure if it's enjoyed by a select few, even some well-known names? ''(As he speaks this sentence, four screenshots of the reviews of the movie appear next to him, including a surprisingly positive review by A.O. Scott) Malcolm: Do you have any idea how crazy you are? NC: You mean the nature of this movie? Malcolm: I mean the nature of you. NC: Did you ever think how much thought would go into making the absolute worst thing ever? If you believe, as some philosophers do, the complete perfection is Hell, then what's the opposite? What's heaven? Nothing but flaws. (NC's phone rings, and Malcolm realizes what NC means to say) Malcolm: Oh, my God! Are you one of those assholes that defends Freddy Got Fingered?! (Not pulling his eyes away from the phone, NC fires his shotgun at Malcolm. He picks up the phone...but Malcolm survives the shot!) Malcolm: Ow! (NC puts down the phone and shoots Malcolm again. He returns to his gadget...to find Malcolm still breathing) Malcolm: That really hurt. (Confused, NC shoots Malcolm once again. He waits for two seconds and goes back to pick the phone...yet Malcolm is still alive!) Malcolm: A lot! (Annoyed, NC puts the gun on his knees and launches the YouTube app to show Malcolm the scene of Gord in a deer's skin) Malcolm: Oh, God!.. (And Malcolm finally loses consciousness. This allows NC to answer his phone. The caller is Tamara at her car) Tamara: Hello? NC: Yes. Tamara: Is Malcolm there? NC: Not in the sense that you mean. Tamara: Critic? What's going on? Where's Malcolm? NC: You need to come see me. Tamara: Are we shooting today or what? NC: You know how this is gonna turn out, don't you? Tamara: What in the hell are you talking about? NC: (after hesitating a bit) Line from No Country for Old Men. Tamara: Right. Look, just stay there. I'm gonna come and shoot, okay? Oh, by the way, how was the movie? (NC hangs up, confusing Tamara. He slowly puts the phone on his lap) NC: (in a low, depressing tone) What is the movie? (He continues to sit in the corner solemnly. We go to a commercial. When we come back, we see Gord, who's wearing a diving suit, in his bathroom, playing treasure-seeking in the shower. Jim discovers his son and gets angry) NC (vo): So after Gord gets his much earned BJ, he decides to take a shower back at home in a scuba suit. Gord: (holding a soap on a rope) I'm pretending it's a treasure. Jim: Get outta my goddamn scuba gear, you imbecile! (Jim gives Gord a good old slap in the back, making him fall to the floor and break the glass) NC: That, too, deserves repeating. (The scene is replayed. Jim leaves the bathroom, but before he goes out, he's covered by shadows for a moment) NC (vo): Torn escapes this realm of madness, squeezing past the camera that even leaves a shadow on him. NC: Another glitch in the Matrix. Lord knows I could use an exploding Hugo Weaving at this point. (Freddy walks to Gord in the kitchen and says he needs to get a job while the others are already working) NC (vo): He talks with his brother Freddy who works at a bank and constantly tells Gord he needs to grow up. Gord: Let's cross our fingers and hope that I get a job. I'm serious. (Freddy unwillingly crosses his fingers) All right, fingers crossed. I hope I get a jobbie, I got my fingers croooossed! Freddy: Goodbye, Gord. Gord: I got my fingers croooossed! (Freddy leaves) NC: (winces in confusion, but then stops) Oh, I get it. This movie sucks. NC (vo): I'm actually wondering if there was an Oscar caliber film about a dysfunctional family who has to deal with their son who was addicted to drugs. They just forgot to put the drugs part in. This would be a dramatic powerhouse if he was on crystal meth. (Gord tries on his father's costume, but puts it backwards. Jim notices this) Jim: Did you get a job? Gord: I got a job and...I wanted to surprise you. NC (vo): He lies to both his father and Betty that he got a job, and Betty takes him out to celebrate. (Cut to a string orcherstra performing at a big, fancy restaurant where Gord and Betty are dining) NC: Oh, I know this place. It's the same upscale restaurant that doesn't allow... (The pictures of characters that NC describes are shown) NC (vo): ...Mr. Bean, the Three Stooges, Ace Ventura, the Marx Brothers, Charlie Chaplin, Benny Hill, Laurel and Hardy, Jerry Lewis or the Tiny Toons in. NC: I believe it's called "Fine, How Do You Do". (The picture of an elderly woman drinking tea is shown with a caption "This is a Fine How Do You Do") NC (vo): Again, just listen to this dialogue and tell me they're not aware, if not mocking this exact setup. (We are shown Gord's neighbors, Mr. Malloy and his son Andy, who has a black eye, at a table) Malloy (Jackson Davies): Would you like a piece of cake for dessert? Andy (Connor Widdows): Am I really allowed a piece of cake, Daddy? Malloy: Of course you can have a piece of cake. It's your birthday. Andy: Yay! Malloy: Yay! NC: I'm honestly shocked the restaurant dialogue isn't just replaced with this. (All the customers at the restaurant are overdubbed by NC saying "Most orthodox!" in a mock British accent) Betty: I-Is your job really hard? Gord: I mean, I have graphs. (takes out papers with charts on them) I have some graphs I can show you. If you pay attention to these patterns here you can see on the graphs... NC (vo): I think we're witnessing the pitch for the movie here. NC: Why would this do well? (points out some charts that appear next to him) Graphs! J... just graphs! Gord: (pretends to answer his phone) You're fired! You're fucking fired, Bob! (with stuffed food in his mouth) I'm talking about 40 million fucking Deutschmark here, Bob! NC: You know, he seems like an unsuccessful... (Two villains from the ''Die Hard franchise, Hans and Simon Gruber, are shown)'' NC (vo): ...Gruber brother. Hans, Simon and Gord, more focused on terrorism of comedy. NC: If you laugh, he shoots you. (Jim comes to Gord and Betty) NC (vo): Gord's father sees he lied, though, and calls him out on it. Jim: Wait a minute. You're a cripple. Gord: Dad. Betty: (gets teary) What...? Gord: (stands up furiously) Hey, Dad, just shut up, okay? Just shut up! NC: Yeah. Don't you know it's offensive to use that word? Now, this shit... (Cut back to show Gord in a deer skin and milking a horse again) Gord: Look at me, Daddy! I'm a farmer! (And even cutting back to him at the sausage factory) Gord: Ding-dong! Ding-dong! (AND cutting to him pulling the baby out, with the navel cord censored by "Don't Say Cripple") NC: (gives an "a-okay" gesture, grinning) Class. (Gord and Jim wreak havoc at the restaurant) NC (vo): Big surprise, they trash the place, and they're told to stop because it's a fancy restaurant. No, really, those are the exact words. Waiter: Stop! This is the fancy restaurant! (Jim pushes him out of the way) Gord: (mockingly, playing the violin) This is a FANCY restaurant! NC: It's kind of like saying (Cue a picture of the Taj Mahal) "Don't trash the Taj Mahal. It's...MMMMM!!". (Betty pays enough money to release Gord from the police department, and Gord tries to apologize) NC (vo): Betty bails him out, which is kind of funny thinking that the parents just left him there in jail, and she says he should have told her the truth. Betty: You could have told me that you lived at home. I wouldn't have cared. Gord: Even though that means I'm a loser? Betty: Just because your not a stock broker doesn't mean you're a loser. NC: Being Tom Green is because you're a loser. NC (vo): Oh. Here's an important fact. Gord: Oh, my ear popped. My ear just popped. Betty: (laughing) I think I heard it. Gord: When I laughed, my ear popped. NC: (nodding in the moment) That was written into the movie. Somebody said it was essential for those words to go in that moment. (continues to nod until he gets enraged) CHRIS-''' '''NC (vo): She advises him to relax by eating, playing music and drawing. So you get this remix of nightmares that you've had for the past couple of weeks. (Cut to... sigh... Gord at home playing a keyboard to Jim while eating sausages that are tied to long pieces of string from his fingers and wearing a showercap and two slices of ham on his ears) Gord: (singing horribly off-key and playing just random notes on the keyboard) Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausages? Daddy, would you like some sausage? NC: Fun fact. This is a dark ride at Disneyland's ninth level of Hell. (In a Hell with severed heads and sausages on strings, we see the poster for "Freddy Got Fingered: The Ride" with a caption "Only Available Here and Euro Disney". Throughout this, Gord's ditty is heard. Jim has had enough of Gord and ties all the sausages together, yanks them down making Gord painfully stand up, then smashes the piano in half with his foot) NC (vo): Okay. So this is gonna sound strange... NC: ...but listen to this line. Jim: (leaving the house) If this were Pakistan, you would've been sewing soccer balls when you were four years old. NC: I want you to remember he said that line, because, believe it or not, there is a weird-ass way it comes back into the story. Don't guess how. You can't. No, really, don't. You can't. Just stop. You can't. NC (vo): So his best friend says that his father really- NC: You can't! Give up! NC (vo): So his best friend says that his father really seems like a character, and he should focus more on him. And that's exactly what the movie suddenly does. There's a lot more focus on the father and his connection with Gord for a long time. NC: (as a poster of ''Adaptation is shown)'' I think an Academy Award-nominated script owes someone some royalties. (Jim charges at Gord's half-pipe in his truck and smashes it to bits. Gord sees the impact and gets disheartened) NC (vo): His father runs over a skateboard ramp as, once again, it goes from Crazy Taxi music to emotional music in the length of a bedbugs' disc throw. Gord: (to Julie) We shouldn't put up with the way he treats us. If I were you, I wouldn't stand for it. If I were you, I'd go out. I'd have sex with strange men. I'd have sex with basketball players. I'd have sex with Greeks. NC: You will believe God hates you and wants you to know it. (The Brody family are shown in the psychiatrist's office. Gord is sitting next to a Sigmund Freud bust) NC (vo): We cut to a scene where they're at a family psychiatrist, but honestly, I think the scene exists just to have Tom Green and Sigmund Freud in the same frame. Because, let's face it, that opportunity will never happen again. Gord: Well, at least I don't touch Freddy. Jim: Say what? Gord: (shows his index finger) He fingers him. NC: Yeah, I guess we're almost 2/3 done with the movie. Might as well have some reference to the title. Psychiatrist (Lorena Gale): I am required by law to notify the authorities. Gord: (takes the Freud bust all of a sudden) You hear that, Dad?! You're gonna pay!! (yells like a deranged person (though, really, he's still deranged as before) and breaks the window by throwing the bust outside) NC: (sounding really exhausted) Humanity was a mistake. (Gord jumps through the smashed window and flees) Jim: (shaking fist) YOU LIAAAAAAAAAAR!!! (Cut to Freddy at home watching...something that is thankfully covered by the bar that says "Don't These Look Like 'Cards Against Humanity' Cards?") NC (vo): We then cut to Freddy watching someone's insides get ripped out of him by supposedly professionals. NC: Again...that can't be a coincidence. (Freddy hears a doorbell and discovers the psychiatrist and the police outside) NC (vo): The doctor comes to take Freddy away, despite him denying that his dad ever touched him. Psychiatrist: It's not your fault your dad fingered you. Freddy: What are you talking about? My dad doesn't finger me. Policeman: Come on, son. We'll take you out of here. (as he says this, the BGM slowly goes to a stop) NC: The...music almost sounded disappointed that he wasn't fingered. Hell, with this film, maybe we're supposed to be! NC (vo): He's taken away, and his father gets drunk, claiming he didn't do anything sexually wrong (Jim takes his pants off in front of his son, which is blocked by "I'm Running Out of Captions for These") while doing something sexually wrong. (As Jim slaps on his behind (it is again censored, but by "A Moose Once Bit My Sister"), he doesn't see that Julie is watching this, realizing her son was right) Jim: Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hey! Fuck Daddy. Hey, hey! Hey! NC: (smiling) Well, I can cross that off my bucket list. Seeing Rip Torn's naked ass and regretting it. (Beat) I was very drunk when I made that list. (The next day, Gord throws his sketches away and goes to Betty finishing the construction of her rocket-powered wheelchair and preparing to test it) NC (vo): Gord decides to give up on his dreams, as Betty continues to work on her rocket-powered chair, and...let me guess. Gord comes to be a jackass. Gord: Shut up, Betty. Just shut up. Can't you see we're both just a couple of stupid idiots? Betty: Gordy... Gord: (mockingly) "Gord! Gordy!" NC (vo): All right. Look, lady, I know you're a crazy, horny, obsessive, emotionally denying, masochistic nymphomaniac... NC: ...but you can still do better than Tom Green! (after a moment...he poses, smiling) You seeing anybody? (Cut to...oh, good Lord...let NC do this for himself) NC (vo): We cut to Freddy in the... (stops to see the sign and gets confused and uncomfortable) ''...Institute for Sexually Molested Children, where he's surrounded by out-of-control kids listening to creepy music and watching ''Texas Chainsaw Massacre? (Yep, while they're watching this film as "Boys and Girls Come Out to Play" is heard, Freddy joins another boy on the couch) Boy: You got fingered? Freddy: No. Okay? (Cut to NC looking startled in a cold sweat) Boy: It's okay. I know. (Now NC's chair is empty. After the scene ends...we are shown NC back in the chair with the exact same astonished reaction) NC: I wasn't here for a second, was I? That scene actually took me someplace else. A place...not of this realm. It was not a good place. In fact, it was a very, very bad place. One of the worst places I've ever been. But...it was so bad...I almost want to go back to it. I want to study it. NC (vo): I want to understand how, on every level of unpleasantness, this scene went above and beyond what I thought possible in a film. NC: James Gunn was fired for tweeting scenes like this. And this guy... NC (vo): ...was given 14 million dollars to bring it to the big screen. NC: I have never witnessed a scene like that in cinema. NC (vo): And only this story and this tone could build up to something so heinous. There is no place you can look, no area you can escape to, nothing else you can think about except every possible ugliness crammed into this one moment. (NC slowly turns his head aside...to see Tamara standing in the room) NC: You saw it, didn't you? Tamara: I can't unsee it. NC: That's why you're standing there, aren't you? Step in front of me now, or I'm calling the police like that woman should have done in No Country for Old Men. Tamara: You totally don't get why she didn't do that. NC: She was really far away. She had plenty of time to get out of there. Tamara: But this scene... This scene is even more terrifying. NC: Sit. (Tamara walks to NC, pushes the dead Malcolm out of the chair, not taking eyes off NC, and sits) Tamara: You don't have to view this. NC: (scoffs, then goes back to mumbling) People always say the same thing. Tamara: What do they say? NC: They say, "You don't have to view this." Tamara: You don't. NC: I need to understand that can't be understood. What shouldn't be understood. So call it. Are you watching the rest of the movie with me, or are you taking the other way out? Tamara: I knew you were crazy when I saw you watching that movie. NC: Call it. Tamara: No. I ain't calling it. NC: Call it. Tamara: The movie doesn't have any say. It's you. You decide what has worth or doesn't. NC: Call it. (Cut to outside the room, and NC walks out of it, carrying nothing. But before he exits the shot...) NC: (speaks normally) By the way, I totally killed her. (NC goes to his kitchen, sits at the table and exhales via his nose. He opens his eyes and continues the review) NC: So after... (We are shown Gord working as a cashier at the sandwich shop. The 1950s sitcom Leave It to Beaver'' plays on TV, and it is shown in close-up...twice)'' NC (vo): ...every terrible thing you can imagine is put onscreen, we then cut to Leave It to Beaver. Leave It to Beaver. They even cut back to it twice after that scene. Leave It to Beaver. NC: (shaking head in disbelief) I don't know what they're doing, but I know they're doing it!! (Later, Julie packs up and leaves her house) NC (vo): Gord's mother leaves the movie, because, oh, Jesus, she needs a reason. Jim: (yells) And I never fingered Freddy! (In the background, Mr. Malloy throws the basketball to Andy, but he fails to catch it, and the ball breaks his nose) NC (vo): Oh, yeah, there's a running joke that this kid always gets hurt. I guess I was too busy mentioning the other child abuse to bring up that child abuse. NC: (makes scales with hands) Life choices. (On the TV in the sandwich shop, Gord sees a news report about Betty succeeding in her ride on her improved wheelchair, and he is inspired to pursue his dreams once again) NC (vo): Gord sees that Betty accomplished her dreams, though, which gives him inspiration to accomplish his, bringing his story about a zebra-centaur family to the studio. (Gord returns to Radioactive Animation and presents more of his sketches to Davidson) Gord: Half-zebra... Davidson: Right. Clash of the Titans. Right. Sure. I saw it. I get it. Gord: Half-man, half-zebra mutant. He's a...he's a... Davidson: The myth. The myth. Mythological- Gord: (overlaps) I-It's a myth. It's like a Greek...it's like a Greek myth. NC: Interesting note: this page of the script wasn't written, so they just improvised the whole thing. Davidson: Sure. Sure. Gord: It's like a Greek myth, except...African. Davidson: African...myth? Gord: African-American Greek... Both: ...myth. NC: I'm amazed how much it shows, too. (Jim bursts into the studio, but the receptionist tells him to stop) NC (vo): His dad follows him in, taking out Barrymore in his anger. (Jim throws the receptionist into a pile of nuclear waste barrels) NC: Well, it's more kind in the other version they shot. (A scene from the 1996 movie ''Scream is shown, which shows Casey Becker's (Barrymore) rotten corpse hanging on a tree. Back to the movie, Jim trashes Davidson's office, but after he's captured by the security, Davidson thinks his actions are part of Gord's pitch)'' NC (vo): His father tears up the place, which, of course...convinces the producer to write a check? Davidson: I have never seen a more creative or exciting pitch than that. I wasn't even thinking about writing a check today. I'm completely comfortable green-lighting this fucking project. NC: I think we just saw how most Adult Swim shows are made. (A crudely animated snippet of the main character of Gord's show ''Zebras in Africa, Harry the zebra centaur (whose face is like Gord's), is shown)'' Harry: Listen to my hooves! Nyeh-ya! Listen to my hooves! (laughs) NC: Yep. Definitely a documentary on Adult Swim show creators. (Gord spends a quarter of million dollars he received to thank Betty elaborately for inspiring him, and he flies to her in the helicopter) NC (vo): He makes the show, grabs a helicopter and confesses his love to Betty. I think because he felt big things had to happen at the end, even though there's no reason. NC: No, I'm not mocking the film, I really think that's the mindset. I'm giving into the Stockholm! Betty: I just wanna... I just wanna suck your cock. NC: ...And so is she, clearly. (Gord spends the remainder of the money to call the brigade of workers to repossess his house) NC (vo): He then takes the majority of his budget money and spends it all on one big stunt, acknowledging he totally wasted his big opportunity. Gord: (to the chief) And then you add this $750,000, that's all my money. (hands the check to the chief) That's all my money, gone. Easy come, easy go. (chuckles) I tell ya. NC: (points at the camera, gnashing his teeth) It's aware, it's aware! It's like watching Caesar... (The main character from the 2010s ''Planet of the Apes reboot series is shown)'' NC (vo): ...this dumb animal becoming more and more conscious, but not wanting to let anyone catch on! NC: You damn dirty ape, what are you up to?! (Cut back to the previous scene of Jim tying up the strings with sausages at home) NC (vo; sighs): So, you remember that line the father had from earlier? Jim: (leaving the house) If this were Pakistan, you would've been sewing soccer balls when you were four years old. NC: Well, Gord... (It's revealed that Gord has moved his house to Pakistan, and Jim was inside the building the whole time, unconscious. Upon realizing this, he loses balance and falls into a tent on the ground) NC (vo): ...took part of his house with his father in it to Pakistan. Now, you might be wondering what's the connection outside of the father just saying the word "Pakistan" once. NC: (throws hands) I have no idea. But he did say it, and I'm reporting on it. Please send your fan theories to this address and never breed. (A fake email pops up below: "IDontGiveACrap@IDontGiveAShit.BlowMe") (It is shown that the "1 Week Later" caption which appeared before the revelation isn't centered right, and the square target covers the caption to prove it) NC (vo): He couldn't even center the "1 Week Later" caption. In any other film, I'd say that's a mistake, but I don't think it is here! I think he did it on purpose just to make everything in this goddamn film a little off! NC: (points at camera sternly) You know he'd do it! You know that's what happened. (After the house falls down and crashes on the ground, Gord doesn't waste the opportunity and...grabs an elephant penis and sprays Jim with its spunk. This is covered by a bar with...HOLY SHIT! Hamlet's soliloquy from Scene IV of Act IV in its fullest! And even a caption: "Yeah, that's right. I got so tired of using these black squares to block out stupid shit that I decided to use one of them to give you some Shakespeare. I covered a giant animal schlong with Shakespeare! What the hell is my life!?! What the HELL is my life!?!?!?") NC (vo): So after he sprays his father with elephant jizz... NC: This film really is too predictable. (The son and the father lie on the ground, tired) NC (vo): ...they finally seem to patch things up. What the hell it is they're patching up? I have no idea. Gord: I know I'll never be the man you want me to be, but I'm your son. And I want you to be proud. NC: Aw. It's the heart of the film. (Beat) In that, he's probably gonna eat the heart of a cow or something. (Suddenly, a net is thrown on Gord and Jim. They are abducted and held hostage. Because Gord's show has already become popular, this becomes the top story in the news) NC (vo): But they're captured and held hostage, causing a worldwide movement of people and news organizations demanding to let them go. Even his mother and new lover Shaquille O'Neal are concerned. (It is shown that Julie watches the news on TV in the hotel bedroom with Shaquille O'Neal) Shaquille O'Neal: I did all this for you. Nipples pierced. (does a pelvic thrusting) Can he do it like this? Huh? Can he do it like that? Or do all this? NC: That horrible moment you realize you can ''go lower than [[Kazaam|''Kazaam]]. NC (vo): So how are Gord and his father gonna get out of this? NC: ...It's not really made clear. (After 18 months in captivity, Gord and Jim return to America in an airplane, where a huge crowd welcomes them home) NC (vo): The movie just says they were freed, and everyone is on the runway ready to greet them. Just when you're wondering when this movie is going to end, (Cut to show a woman holding a sign with the caption "WHEN the FUCK is This Movie GOING TO END?") so is the movie. That's really a sign someone is holding as they return. NC: You know, this would be really good if it was... good. (Andy Malloy runs to say hello to his neighbors, but gets chopped by the propeller offscreen, and blood spills everywhere. But, against all odds, he survives this, and his father isn't shocked or concerned, he's rather disappointed) NC (vo): But the kid runs after them and gets chopped up by the propeller, crying that he's still okay. Andy: (offscreen) I'm okay! I'm okay, Daddy! (And the movie ends) NC: Well, of course it would end there. I wouldn't imagine anything less because...I actually can't imagine anything less. (As the credits begin rolling, we are shown the montage of bloopers and deleted scenes on the left) NC (vo): They then show all the scenes that weren't good enough for the movie. I as well was shocked such a concept exists. And let's give credit that the final thing said is the exact perfect line to end this film. Tom Green: (in a blooper, as this said line appears below) What the fuck are we doing? NC: ...I think that's the most poignant question you could ask this movie, but I will say...I did ask it. (The film's clips are shown for the last time as NC says his closing thoughts on it) NC (vo): It is hard to find words to describe the impact this film has left. It is clearly bad, and it is intended to be bad, probably aiming to be the baddest thing humanly possible. It's too self-aware to just be run-of-the-mill dumb, but the level of insulting idiocy is so grand, you could call it ahead of its time in terms of troll humor, possibly even the greatest troll movie ever made. It's like the film wants to be a regular bad comedy, but it's too dumb to know how to do it, and it glorifies the hell out of knowing that. It achieves exactly what it's looking for: pissing off everyone in the stupidest of ways. And my inner troublemaker has a strange respect for that. It's the Barton Fink of bad films. I don't always know the intent behind the madness, but I'm convinced the filmmakers know. I have never come across a movie like this in my life. I hate everything about it for the exact same reasons I love everything about it. And this is a whole new phenomenon that comes from him. HIM. NC: (sighs deeply as the camera slowly zooms on him) You know, I had a dream the other night. There were two pits. One was filled with the most delicious caviar the world has ever known, and the other was filled with shit. Tom Green showed up in the carcass of a dead deer, and he dived into that pile of shit. He dug so deep into it that he actually found a little bit of caviar that mixed in with the shit. None of us wanted to try it, but he forced it on us. (pause) ''The combination created a brand new flavor, never tasted by anyone. It was the most unique tasting thing anyone had ever put in their mouths. It was beyond description. Tom Green winked and said, "There's plenty more where that came from. But you can only find it in the shit." I... walked up on the edge of that pit, stared out over the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen in my life. I bent over, I took one big breath... ''(long pause) And then I woke up. (The credits roll, with the loop of Gord's "Daddy, would you like some sausage(s)?" ditty played as BGM...but stop halfway through to show NC again) NC: And for those of you who think I killed my entire cast for this movie... (Malcolm and Tamara walk in, alive and well, and slap NC on his neck. They leave, but NC doesn't lose his blank expression) NC: I did kill Rob, though. (Beat) He owed me $2. (The rest of the credits rolls to the regular theme music) Channel Awesome tagline - Harry: Listen to my hooves! Nyeh-ya! Listen to my hooves! (laughs) Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:20th Century Fox Category:Nostalgia Critic